MUFFIN TOPS

One night at dinner when he was here for Spring break, Robert described some of his classmates, including a girl whose "muffin top" could be seen "bulging over her bra" through the sheer blouses she wore. (How does a 15-year old boy, mostly into classic literature and such, even know what a "muffin top" is at this stage, and is he really saying aloud the word "bra" to me?!) Needless to say, he was appalled at this girl. As my own muffin tops -- plural -- were silently aghast that he had spotted them too, I tried persuading him to look upon his classmate with compassion. He wasn't having any of it. To him, she was a walking exemplification of a lack of self-control.

CUT TO PRESENT DAY: I don't use a scale, but I do take note, by mirror and feel, of the various frontal and side rolls, the thicker waist and falling belly, that began their emergence about 10 years ago. I'll never forget driving home from work at Dutton's one night and -- you know how you just instinctively know that something's different about your body? maybe a simple bump or cut you didn't know you had? -- well, for some reason like that, I reached down to my waist and noticed a smallish but distinct roll spilling over the top of my pants, and low-riding pants at that. (I can't use the word "muffin top"; somehow it's more horrid that the word "roll" for me.) "What's that? Oh, I guess I've gained some weight." Not great news, but something I could cope with and do something about. But no, this wasn't about a few more pounds, or not completely. This was about expansion. (I can't say "middle-age spread" either.) My waist was thickening as I drove. It was probably around the same time that I started noticing that my bikini underwear was feeling funny. To get them to fit properly, I had to kind of tuck my belly into the bikini bottoms. When this went on for a considerable duration, I began thinking, "Oh, no, this is not good."

I was thinking about this this morning and thus my recollection of the conversation with Robert. So while you sisters are checking the scale, I'm feeling the you-know-whats, and hoping my pants will start falling off.